Virus in the White House

Jan 20: "I know more about viruses than anyone.”
Jan 22: “We have it totally under control. It’s one person coming in from China. It’s going to be just fine.”
Feb 2: “We pretty much shut it down coming in from China.”
Feb 24: “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA… Stock Market starting to look very good to me!”
Feb 25: “CDC and my Administration are doing a GREAT job of handling Coronavirus.”
Feb 25: “I think that's a problem that’s going to go away… They have studied it. They know very much. In fact, we’re very close to a vaccine.”
Feb 26: “The 15 (cases in the US) within a couple of days is going to be down to close to zero.”
Feb 26: “We're going very substantially down, not up.”
Feb 27: “One day it’s like a miracle, it will disappear.”
Feb 28: “We're ordering a lot of supplies. We're ordering a lot of, uh, elements that frankly we wouldn't be ordering unless it was something like this. But we're ordering a lot of different elements of medical.”
Mar 2: “You take a solid flu vaccine, you don't think that could have an impact, or much of an impact, on corona?”
Mar 2: “A lot of things are happening, a lot of very exciting things are happening and they’re happening very rapidly.”
Mar 4: “If we have thousands or hundreds of thousands of people that get better just by, you know, sitting around and even going to work — some of them go to work, but they get better.”
Mar 5: “I NEVER said people that are feeling sick should go to work.”
Mar 5: “The United States… has, as of now, only 129 cases… and 11 deaths. We are working very hard to keep these numbers as low as possible!”
Mar 6: “I think we’re doing a really good job in this country at keeping it down… a tremendous job at keeping it down.”
Mar 6: “Anybody right now, and yesterday, anybody that needs a test gets a test. They’re there. And the tests are beautiful…. the tests are all perfect like the letter was perfect. The transcription was perfect. Right? This was not as perfect as that but pretty good.”
Mar 6: “I like this stuff. I really get it. People are surprised that I understand it ... Every one of these doctors said, ‘How do you know so much about this?’ Maybe I have a natural ability. Maybe I should have done that instead of running for president.”
Mar 6: “I don't need to have the numbers double because of one ship that wasn't our fault.”
Mar 8: “We have a perfectly coordinated and fine-tuned plan at the White House for our attack on CoronaVirus.”
Mar 9: “This blindsided the world.”
Mar 13: “National emergency, two big words.”

The complete Trump Phrase Translator:

“Experts say . . . ” = Limbaugh and Hannity said . . .
“Everyone’s saying . . . ” = Someone in the Fox News comments section said . . .
“I’ve been hearing . . . ” = Barr told me . . .
“I’ve been seeing . . . ” = Ivanka showed me . . .
“A lot of people.” = Me.
"Nobody knew" = Everyone knew except me.
"Many People have told me" = Voices in my head and fictional people have complimented me.
"A lot of people don't know" = I just learned something most people already knew.
“It’s gonna be incredible.” = I haven’t thought about it—it’s in the future.
“It’s gonna be fantastic.” = I briefly thought about it, but will forget about it once my circadian rhythm resets.
“It’s gonna be terrific.” = I’ve passed it along to Congress, so blame them when it fails.
“It’s gonna be huge.” = It will be flashy and tacky.
“It’s gonna be so huge.” = It will be flashy and tacky, with gold lettering.
"In Fact" = I'm about to lie.
"Believe me" = I just lied.
“We’ll see what happens.” = I have no idea what’s going to happen, but I hope it makes me look good or I hope you forget about it.
"He's a great guy" = I will deny ever knowing this person after they begin to tell the truth about me.
“He’s the perfect man for the job.” = He’ll be great at obliterating the department he’s heading.
“He’s done an incredible job.” = He doesn’t lie as well as he used to, and may soon be fired.
“He’s a disappointment.” = Due to his slavish devotion to ethics, he’s been fired.
“He’s somewhat disappointing.” = I don’t like his beta-male looks and behavior, and, besides, he’s low-energy.
"Loser" = someone who makes me feel inferior due to their talent or accomplishments.
"Liar" = Someone telling the truth about me
“Fake News” = something I said which has been recorded.
“He’s doing an incredible job.” = He works for me, and he’s a terrific liar.
“He’s a good kid.” = I don’t like his beta-male looks and behavior, but both Ivana and the paternity test say he’s my son.
“He’s a good man.” = I don’t know the guy, but he’s right here in front of me, smiling.
“He’s an excellent man.” = He may be smarter than me, but that does not make me dumber than him.
“I have the best memory” = Do I have another rally today or am I going golfing?
“I have all the best words.” = I cornered the market on some top-of-the-line monosyllabic words in a leveraged buyout.
“Only I can get it done” = “If you think this country’s bad off now, just wait till I get through with it.” (re: Groucho Marx in Duck Soup – 1933)
"The likes the world has never seen" = I have no idea what I just said but it sounded good.
"Policy Briefing" = Turning on Fox News.
"MAGA" = Making my pockets fatter off the American taxpayers.
"Huge" = moderate to below average in size.
“Facts.” = 1. Statements not yet verified by conspiracy theorists. 2. Statements—often from scientists—with no profit motive.
“Lies.” = 1. Statements about me colluding with Russia. 2. Un-airbrushed facts.
“Sad” = 1. All-purpose, monosyllabic expression of distress, remonstration, condemnation, anger, frustration, pique, or calumny. If tweeted, “Sad” appears as a single-word sentence fragment, followed by an exclamation point. As an utterance, it is shouted as if one is an umpire. 2. Rare, archaic: sorrowful.
“I’ve always been a good student.” = I attended school (sometimes).
“I’m not being investigated.” = It’s not an investigation if the detective isn’t wearing dark glasses and a fedora.
"I did nothing wrong." = I was caught breaking the Law.
"It was a perfect conversation" = They're willing to take the bribe.
"Loyalty" = They support me until I blame them for what I did wrong.
"I'm being treated very unfairly" = They're trying to make me accountable for my actions.
"Jobs BLOWOUT, 303,000" = I inflate numbers to make myself look Great. I deflate them to not pay taxes.
"Witch Hunt" = They're digging up evidence about my crimes.
"NEVER TRUMPERS" = They're not the poorly educated deplorable supporters I love.
"I'm not watching the hearings" = I'm too busy intimidating witnesses on twitter.
"I shouldn't be impeached." = I've been breaking Laws all my life, why should I stop now?
"I want nothing. I want nothing." = Repeating a lie enough times, they start to believe it.
"I do whatever I want."= I've been since GOP are in my back pocket and they don't care.
"They cheapened the importance of the very ugly word, impeachment." = I cheapened the Constitution by violating the LAW and they caught me.